It's not always about you

I cried yesterday in church when the sermon was almost over. I have not cried over a sermon in like ten years. I was embarrassed and my husband was moved to silence. See these past few weeks have been hard. As I mentioned before things at work have not been going great and well just like in any marriage, everyone has their issues. Saturday morning before we went to church one of these issues came up again. Something I thought we had moved past but apparently not. So I'm downstairs cleaning the kitchen (cause that's what I do now when I stress out instead of eat) and asking God,"why, why, why. I didn't sign up for this when I married this guy." I'm pretty sure those of you who are married can relate. There is so much more you learn about a person after you say I do and move in. The first few months your thinking, "what the heck did I get myself into?". Well I was having one of those moments Saturday morning.
We get to church and then the sermon begins. My pastor spoke about Shadrach, Mesach, and Abednego. He correlated it with the story of the burning bush in Exodus. He compared the fact that these three men and the bush were not consumed by the fire. That they didn't even smell of smoke when they came out. And because they were not consumed by this external fire the king proclaimed their God as the only God. They didn't say anything. All they said was, "we will not worship your gods". But because the fire was unable to touch them the king believed. Our pastor said you have to be the bush and these three men. The devil is going to throw fire after fire after fire at you, at work at home, but you have to show them that the fire can't touch you because you stand with God. I felt that this sermon was specifically written for me. I've been asking God every day, why, why, why? And yesterday he gave me an answer. He was hoping I would be a witness to my co-workers and to my husband. He was hoping that these fires going on at my job and in my home would not touch me and they would believe. But instead I complained to my co-workers and threw a hissy fit at my husband and I let the fires consume me.
I was hurt. I felt like I failed some kind of test, which I know isn't true. But I have more of an understanding now regarding the things that are going on in my life and how to deal with them. My pastor also said that we can't fight the external fires without learning how to fight the internal fires first. These fires are fear and doubt. How do we learn to fight these fires? Continuing to build a more personal relationship with Jesus Christ. What I realized was that I need to spend more time every day with Jesus. I need to get to know him on a more personal level. Because until I have that relationship full of trust with my Savior these fires are just going to continue to consume me.