Spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak

I know. It's been more than a while. What can I say? I guess I can say, I wasn't "inspired." I kept waiting and waiting for that "aha" moment and it just never hit me. So I kept putting it off. I usually don't like to write anything down unless I feel that the Lord is leading me to do so. Soooooooooooooo, I kept waiting. Until I realized, "maybe the reason I'm not inspired is because I'm not taking the time to find inspiration". There was my "aha" moment. I realized God can't inspire me to write something down when I'm not taking the sufficient time during my day to read his Word or to talk to Him. I'm going to admit, I've had my ups and downs these past few months. There were times where I was tired of reading my Bible and I wasn't taking time in the morning or evening anymore to spend some time with God. So slowly it began affecting my spiritual life before I even realized it. All of a sudden, I'm sitting in front of the TV for 3-4 hours without realizing it. I'm listening to the pop station during the day in my car. I'm not really taking time out in my marriage to talk to my husband. And it hit me that I was not letting the Lord lead my day to day life the way I had been and I was right back where I started.
So here I am wondering how do I get back? Luckily, I had a 40 day devotional starting in my church where I got together with some prayer partners and that really whipped me back into shape. I decided to stop reading secular novels during that time too and dedicated my reading time to books that would spiritually uplift me. Again, this was harder than I thought it would be, because I was not "inspired" to read these books. But slowly and surely, I got back into it. I began taking 15 minutes a day to read from the Bible and slowly that time turned into 45 minutes. I felt uplifted again. I felt that I was getting that connection that I had lost before. I felt whole again. And it made me recognize that we can't take our spiritual lives for granted. The moment we think we're good with God, the Devil swoops right in and gets past the defenses we've put down. He's waiting for that moment and he will attack the moment he sees an entry way. Because the problem wasn't that I was waisting time watching TV or that I was listening to worldly music. The problem was what was going on in my mind. Where those things were leading me. I'm not going to get into details, but they were things that I thought I was soooooo over.
In order to keep your relationship strong and keep your defenses against what the Devil has waiting for you, you MUST spend time day by day with your Savior. We can't do anything on our own. We are merely human beings fighting against something so much more powerful than us. BUT God promises us that when we call on His name, He will rescue us and sustain us.
I was reading through Matthew and found this verse that I read from a completely different perspective after all this. It is when Jesus is praying in Gethsemane and asks His disciples to watch and pray. He returns to find them sleeping and He says, "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." (Matthew 26:41) We can want and want to overcome temptation, but we cannot do it on our own. Jesus tells us that we must watch and pray. The Devil is a clever being and he will take every advantage he can get to make us fall. What we have to remember that is that when we are armored with the Holy Spirit and the Word of God, he can't touch us. So please remember to take time every day to ask God to armor you with His Spirit so that you may overcome any temptation the Devil may put in your way.

Faith of a child

I find it interesting how I tend to ask God for things, but in the back of my mind I'm not totally believing that He will grant me what I ask for. And I always go back to that verse in the Bible that says we must have the faith of a child to enter the kingdom of heaven. When I read that verse I go back to a simpler time when I did have that faith and did not doubt God's power ever. I remember when I was about seven years old and my sister, Beba, was five or so. She was invited her BFF's birthday party which just happen to fall on a Saturday. Of course for my family, that's the Sabbath. And in my home we were raised to believe that you don't do certain things on the Sabbath, including going to a birthday party. But my parents felt bad and decided to make a compromise. They decided that they would allow her to go after church and with me.
As they dropped us off for a few hours I felt sooooo weird. I kept thinking, "I can't have too much fun." (I know, wrong way of viewing the Sabbath) But it was nice and we were having fun, so the guilt slowly went away. That was until the television turned on. If anyone knows anything about Adventists and televisions on Sabbath, I think that's the biggest taboo there is. Everything was happening so quick that I didn't know how to tell my sister's friend's mom that we couldn't watch TV. Birthday cake, gifts and a few games I could do, but not the television!!! Soooo as nonchalantly as possible I excused my little sister and I briefly and walked to an empty bedroom. I told my sister, "We need to kneel and pray for God to forgive us right now before we watch the TV." So she went first and prayed and then I knelt and prayed.
Now that I look back on it, I think it's hilarious. But it also reminds me how seriously I took my faith and my beliefs when I was only 7! I didn't question or make excuses, I just did what I believed. I'm not saying that watching TV on the Sabbath is right or wrong. That's a whole different discussion. But I just wish that I carried that same conviction with me today. Because I honestly do believe that the Sabbath day is holy and that we should try our best to keep it as sacred as possible for our Creator. But yet sometimes (especially in the winter with sunset so early) that sun is setting on a Friday evening and I'm still not done watching that show or that movie that I quickly popped in, so I make excuses and say, "oh five minutes isn't going to kill me." I wish I could go back to the faith of my inner child and not even think twice about whether or not I should do something and also putting my complete trust in God at ALL times. I wish that when I prayed about my job, I would honestly believe that God will work through me and those around me, or my marriage, that God will help me be a better wife or that Justin would finally start putting his clothes away at the end of the day. I wish that when I pray for health and healing of a close friend or relative, that I would believe that God will come through and heal that person. I think that's what most of us need. The faith and trust of a child when we pray for these things. And then maybe we would see miraculous things happen all around us more often.

I'm not who I was

Man.... so much has changed these past few years. I have mentioned in my profile summary thing that I have been struggling with my relationship with Christ for a while. I guess I was doing that back and forth thing when I was hot for Christ, then cold for Christ, then hot again, then cold again. Luckily, Christ doesn't care how many times you come back, He just wishes you wouldn't have left the first time.
So my walk starts when I was in high school. I went to this prayer meeting and for the first time in my life I realized that God was real and that I could actually have a relationship with Him. This just never occurred to me before. I tried to do the right thing because that's the way I was always raised. So from that point on, I tried. I started reading my Bible, I stopped bad habits, I was a Christian for the first time in my life.
Eventually, don't really remember when, I fire slowly faded and I slowly started getting back into my old habits. I prayed and prayed and asked God for forgiveness and for self-control but I just couldn't let them go.
When I got to college the fire started up again. I recommitted myself to Christ completely once more and started building my relationship back up. I have to say those were some of the best years of my life. I had great friends, was doing well in school and felt like I was truly walking side by side with my Savior.
And then the fire went out. I'm not sure at what point I just stopped caring, but I did. I decided to have fun like the rest of the world was having fun and not think about the consequences. Well that went well...
I got so deep into stuff that I just couldn't see a way out. I told myself, "theres no way God's taking me back now." But slowly once again, I started praying and reading the Bible. It wasn't easy. I honestly didn't want to, but I knew it was the only way back. I had gotten myself into the mess and I needed to work real hard to get myself back out.
Since then it's been a steady climb. Sometimes I had a moment where I came back down again but I always remembered God's forgiveness. When I got married was what sealed the deal for me and Jesus. I guess when you decide to commit your life to someone you don't realize that "for the bad" really counts in the vows. I had to deal with some things in my marriage that I never thought I would ever have to deal with. I'll admit, sometimes I thought to myself, I'm walking away. This is not the man I thought I was going to marry. But God pushed me and pushed me. I threw myself into the Word and prayed like I have never prayed before. And now looking back on it I have to say it was a blessing. Because the Lord knew that He needed to push me out of my comfort zone. I was way too comfortable where I was with Him and He wanted more and expected more out of me. So He used my husband to get that out. And I had to completely surrender my will and my trust over to Christ.....And then I felt true peace. Although I was going through one of the most difficult times in my life, I was OK. And I had never felt that way before. I finally realized what it was to surrender all to Christ. God gave me the perseverance and in the end I have to say that I am so happy in my marriage. We're both so happy and it's was only through Christ.
It's hard for some people to see this because they  know the person that I was. They saw me in the clubs, puking into the sink because I had too much to drink, putting me in bed because I was too drunk to get there myself. Yes, that is where I have been!!! To those people I say, I'm sorry. And I hope that I can reflect the changes that Christ has made in me to everyone I come in contact with. I am not that same person. I am a new person in Christ.

He heard me the first time

       Justin and I were having an interesting conversation the other night. He was talking about how he can never clear his mind enough to try and listen to God. The thing that most people don't know about Justin is that he has undiagnosed "ADD". I am so serious when I say this. He cannot just sit still and let his mind go blank. He can sit still, he just has to be doing something. I explained to him that sometimes it just happens. Your just driving your car thinking something and a little voice pops into your head.
       I had the perfect example that just happened to me that day. I was driving to prayer meeting that night and on my way there I saw a huge cloud. As I got closer to the church I realized I was driving right into it. Slowly I started seeing huge lights of lightening right in front of my car. So close that my radio would fizz each time another one showed up. Needless to say I HATE thunderstorms. Anyone who remembers OSHKOSH 1999 will know why. Huge storm, possible tornado that split in half when it came to the campground (lol). I really thought I was going to die that night and have been traumatized ever since.
       Well I'm praying to God on my way to the church. I was just praying that I wouldn't get struck by lightning and I would get to the church safely. I even started bargaining. "I'm going to church to spend time with you God, you can't let me die." And then it got to the point where I confessed Jesus Christ was my one true Saviour just in case I did die. Well I made it in time for the youth pastor to see me sprinting from my car to the church door so that I wouldn't get struck by lightning.
        When I sat down I bowed my head and asked God to make sure it wasn't raining or lightning when the meeting was over so that I wouldn't have to drive back in that weather. During the meeting it began to rain and I could hear the thunder was very close. I tried to concentrate on the speaker but I was getting nervous again. I began to pray again. I started saying, "Lord, please don't let it be raining when..."  and then I was cut off by a very clear voice that said, "I heard you the first time." I realized I wasn't trusting God so I stopped. About ten minutes later I heard more thunder even closer. Again I began to pray and I got as far as, "Lord" when I got cut off again. This time the voice was a little annoyed. "I heard you the first time." At that point I decided to say a prayer of thanksgiving. I said, "Thank you Jesus because I know when I walk out those doors it will not be raining or thundering."
      Sure enough when the meeting was over and I walked out the doors, no rain and no lightning or thundering. Praise God. I wasn't certain it was going to happen but I thanked Jesus anyway in advance and sure enough He came through for me once again.

Lukewarm or hot for Christ

I went to Prayer night in church today and heard two things that really stuck with me. The pastor discussed Revelation 3 and the church of Laodicea. All of us who grew up in church have heard these verses many times. It's about the church that is neither hot nor cold and how God just wants to spit her out because she's lukewarm. I'll admit when the pastor started reading the passages I was thinking to myself, "man I've heard this so many times." Because we always end up comparing it to our church today and how we are lukewarm. But the pastor began asking people what their opinions of what lukewarm is and what their opinions of hot is. One older man raised his hand and said, "God just wants us to be committed to something. He either wants you committed to the world or committed to Him."
That really stuck with me because so many times in church we hear people saying that at least even though their son or daughter is stuck on this drug or this vice that they are still going to church every Sabbath. So basically does this verse mean that God would rather have them do all those things and not come to church? I don't think that's the meaning. I think that the meaning is for those who are out there doing things that in their hearts they know they shouldn't be doing and then come Sabbath are up on the pulpit talking about this and that.  Because let's face it, too many people do that. We have a name for those people, they're called hypocrites. God doesn't want us to live two different lives, He wants you to live one life.
Another person said something that really stuck with me. This person said that people who are lukewarm are not truly happy. The reason for this is because when they are doing the things they know they shouldn't be doing, all they feel is guilty. They are not happy because in their hearts they know that is not God's way, but they do not want to give it up. I thought of myself in this situation. There was a time when I chose to party a lot, knowing with all my heart that the things I was doing were not right. I remember that I would purposefully get drunk enough so that I could not think about what I was doing anymore. Then when I would finally go to bed I was never able to sleep. NEVER. I would toss and turn all night because I couldn't stop thinking about all the stuff I had just done the night before. When this man made that statement that came to my mind. The only time I have truly felt at peace and happy with myself is when I am walking side by side with Jesus Christ. When I know that He is helping my day to day choices and allowing me to be an example of His love and character to those around me. And I wouldn't give that peace up for anything in the world now. Once you make the decision to go from lukewarm to hot there is no comparison and you just can't go back.

What doesn't kill you...

I feel like I have so much to say lately. Lol. As you can all tell from my last post things have been a little challenging lately. Not only at home but also at work. I have to sit back and think, how did I get here? And I don't mean that in a bad way. I mean that in a good way. Because with all the stuff that the devil is trying to throw at me, I had two choices. I could just give up and give in, or I could fight right back. And I contemplated these choices. It was not a quick decision. Sometimes I thought, "What is the point?" If I choose not to care anymore it just won't hurt anymore. But then my past came to mind. I thought about how unhappy I was and how although I am going through trials right now, I have never been more happy and at peace with myself. And I know that if I go down that old road again it will just lead to the same hurt, pain and loneliness that I had before. So although choosing to fight back was the harder choice, it was the one that had to be made.
How have I fought back? I've thrown myself into prayer and Bible study. Making sure that my mind is constantly on the things of Christ and not this world. Of course this is hard. But when you pray diligently and avoid worldly things it becomes easier and easier. One specific thing I have been praying for is to be able to show Christ's character to others and not my own. This is an important prayer for me because it is people in specific that I am struggling with. The devil is using others to try and get me to fall. He knows that's my weakness. He knows that I can't stand stupidity and have a tendency to run my mouth off. So of course that is what he's been surrounding me with. I have been praying for weeks for patience and humility. And thankfully my prayers are slowly being answered. Whenever I got an email from someone or my husband said something to me in a certain way, my first reaction was always, "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!". I would catch myself and ask for forgiveness but continue to do it. So today I got a text from someone that normally would have caused that reaction. Without realizing it, I sent a quick response back and got back to what I was doing. After I put my phone away I realized what just happened and I laughed. I couldn't believe that my heart rate didn't increase and I wasn't rolling my eyes! And it felt so good!
So now I'm thinking about how thankful I am for the challenges I have been facing these past few months. Maybe it wasn't the devil, but maybe it was God. Maybe God wanted to challenge me in order to allow me to grow closer to Him. I know this sounds crazy but if it was the devil than I would have to thank him. Because I am in a place right now that I haven't been in a very long time and I am so happy for it. I can feel Christ with me throughout the day because I have been begging Him to be. It feels good to know that I can overcome even one of my biggest weaknesses with Christ by my side. It may be difficult to understand why your going through what you are going through but remember that God has a bigger plan for you than you have for yourself. (walk to remember lol) But it's true. You may not understand God's plan right now but you will in the future. When you are challenged, don't give up. Ask God to walk you through it and in the end you'll understand why.

His Strength and not my own

I feel like I have been circling the same topic over and over again with different messages at the end. The thing is I can't go into too much detail because it's personal but I can share with everyone what I'm getting out of it. Just remember to keep Justin and I in your prayers. We need it. The devil is attacking our home but I know God will have the victory!
Every time I feel like we've gotten somewhere, something else happens that just sets me back again. And it's just so frustrating when I've been praying about it sooo diligently. Morning, day and night I have one constant prayer. Slowly I can feel Justin and I moving forward and then BAM! Never mind. All I can say is at this point, I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted of praying. I'm exhausted of hoping. I'm exhausted of pretending to be cheerful when in reality I'm not. The real reality is I've been shaken. Shaken because I never expected to be in this situation and shaken because the devil wants me to doubt God's strength and power. Shaken because I have no words left for my husband. I keep thinking of this song from Casting Crowns. " I was sure by now, Lord you would have reached down and wiped my tears away. Stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say Amen and it's still raining...I'll praise you through this storm, and I  will lift my hands. You are who You are, no matter where I am. And every tear I've cried, you hold in your hands. You never left my side. Though my heart is torn, I'll praise you in this storm." 
As I sat in church on Sabbath and looked around, I kept wondering, what are they going through? Because I know I'm not the only one who feels like this. I'm not the only one who's exhausted. And I bet if I heard other people's stories I would laugh at how minor my problem seems. I pray that I  may be able to lean on God's strength from now on and not my own and that others who are just feeling beaten down by the devil may move forward with the Lord's strength when they feel they have no strength of their own left. "Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For MY yoke is easy and MY burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)