What doesn't kill you...

I feel like I have so much to say lately. Lol. As you can all tell from my last post things have been a little challenging lately. Not only at home but also at work. I have to sit back and think, how did I get here? And I don't mean that in a bad way. I mean that in a good way. Because with all the stuff that the devil is trying to throw at me, I had two choices. I could just give up and give in, or I could fight right back. And I contemplated these choices. It was not a quick decision. Sometimes I thought, "What is the point?" If I choose not to care anymore it just won't hurt anymore. But then my past came to mind. I thought about how unhappy I was and how although I am going through trials right now, I have never been more happy and at peace with myself. And I know that if I go down that old road again it will just lead to the same hurt, pain and loneliness that I had before. So although choosing to fight back was the harder choice, it was the one that had to be made.
How have I fought back? I've thrown myself into prayer and Bible study. Making sure that my mind is constantly on the things of Christ and not this world. Of course this is hard. But when you pray diligently and avoid worldly things it becomes easier and easier. One specific thing I have been praying for is to be able to show Christ's character to others and not my own. This is an important prayer for me because it is people in specific that I am struggling with. The devil is using others to try and get me to fall. He knows that's my weakness. He knows that I can't stand stupidity and have a tendency to run my mouth off. So of course that is what he's been surrounding me with. I have been praying for weeks for patience and humility. And thankfully my prayers are slowly being answered. Whenever I got an email from someone or my husband said something to me in a certain way, my first reaction was always, "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!". I would catch myself and ask for forgiveness but continue to do it. So today I got a text from someone that normally would have caused that reaction. Without realizing it, I sent a quick response back and got back to what I was doing. After I put my phone away I realized what just happened and I laughed. I couldn't believe that my heart rate didn't increase and I wasn't rolling my eyes! And it felt so good!
So now I'm thinking about how thankful I am for the challenges I have been facing these past few months. Maybe it wasn't the devil, but maybe it was God. Maybe God wanted to challenge me in order to allow me to grow closer to Him. I know this sounds crazy but if it was the devil than I would have to thank him. Because I am in a place right now that I haven't been in a very long time and I am so happy for it. I can feel Christ with me throughout the day because I have been begging Him to be. It feels good to know that I can overcome even one of my biggest weaknesses with Christ by my side. It may be difficult to understand why your going through what you are going through but remember that God has a bigger plan for you than you have for yourself. (walk to remember lol) But it's true. You may not understand God's plan right now but you will in the future. When you are challenged, don't give up. Ask God to walk you through it and in the end you'll understand why.

His Strength and not my own

I feel like I have been circling the same topic over and over again with different messages at the end. The thing is I can't go into too much detail because it's personal but I can share with everyone what I'm getting out of it. Just remember to keep Justin and I in your prayers. We need it. The devil is attacking our home but I know God will have the victory!
Every time I feel like we've gotten somewhere, something else happens that just sets me back again. And it's just so frustrating when I've been praying about it sooo diligently. Morning, day and night I have one constant prayer. Slowly I can feel Justin and I moving forward and then BAM! Never mind. All I can say is at this point, I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted of praying. I'm exhausted of hoping. I'm exhausted of pretending to be cheerful when in reality I'm not. The real reality is I've been shaken. Shaken because I never expected to be in this situation and shaken because the devil wants me to doubt God's strength and power. Shaken because I have no words left for my husband. I keep thinking of this song from Casting Crowns. " I was sure by now, Lord you would have reached down and wiped my tears away. Stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say Amen and it's still raining...I'll praise you through this storm, and I  will lift my hands. You are who You are, no matter where I am. And every tear I've cried, you hold in your hands. You never left my side. Though my heart is torn, I'll praise you in this storm." 
As I sat in church on Sabbath and looked around, I kept wondering, what are they going through? Because I know I'm not the only one who feels like this. I'm not the only one who's exhausted. And I bet if I heard other people's stories I would laugh at how minor my problem seems. I pray that I  may be able to lean on God's strength from now on and not my own and that others who are just feeling beaten down by the devil may move forward with the Lord's strength when they feel they have no strength of their own left. "Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For MY yoke is easy and MY burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

There is a light at the end

I've never really experienced true suffering in my life. I'm lucky to say that I've never had a close family member die or been in a financial struggle (other than College, thank God for student loans). The closest I have ever come to something like that was in high school when my ex-boyfriend's older brother died in a motorcycle accident. I was only sixteen and he and I had just broken up. Out of nowhere I get this phone call at 11:30pm from him. He's so upset he can't speak, but he finally says, "Jon's been in an accident, I don't think he's going to make it." Of course that wasn't an option in my mind so I replied, "Of course he is. He might be in the hospital for a while but he'll be fine." Thirty minutes later I get another phone call and this time I knew what happened. He didn't have to say a thing. I cried myself to sleep that night and kept dreaming that it was all a big joke. That he really didn't die and just showed up at the family's house. Worst joke ever, right? If I was having trouble sleeping and feeling the sorrow I felt, what could the family be feeling? The reason it hurt so much was because I knew how much Jon meant to my ex. Every time we talked about what we saw ourselves doing in the future, it was always, "well Jon did it this way, so that's how I'm going to do it." We spent a lot of time with Jon and his wife and his son. That was his best friend. All I kept thinking was, "What if Beba (my sister) died?"

With the job that I have it's easy to become a small part of people's lives. Sometimes people tell you things you never expected them to tell you or ask you things you never would expect them to ask. I personally like this part of my job because it gives me a chance to witness and talk about my faith to those who are going through a hard time. This happened to me twice this week. Yesterday while I was playing with a patient on the floor I just happen to look up at mom and ask her, "is everything OK?" She just looked at me and shook her head, no. I could tell she didn't want to say anything, but she did. She told me how by the end of the week she didn't know what was going to happen to her family because they haven't been able to  pay their mortgage and were going to be kicked out of their home. They had no place to go. Four kids and the parents. I tried to give her some advice and asked about family but there was no one they could turn to. We eventually were able to contact someone who could help with finding an apartment but I couldn't forget the suffering in her eyes. I prayed for her last night of course and hope all turns out well. 

Another mom I know, told me the story today of how she lost her four year old daughter in a fire four years ago. She showed me pictures today and began crying while showing them to me. I felt honored that she would show me those pictures. I talked to her about how lucky we are that we have a faith that tells us we will see our loved ones again. We just have to pray for that faith every day. But I reminded her that she will see her daughter again and to cling to that hope.

I don't know why God let's these kinds of things happen. Every time I see any kind of suffering it makes me hurt as well and I ask myself, why? All I've ever been able to come up with is that we live in an imperfect sinful world. But luckily we also believe that this isn't the only world we are going to live in. I pray and hope that those who have lost loved ones or are going through difficult times will remember that there are better times ahead when there will be no more suffering, pain, or death.  "He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:4.  That's a promise that Jesus gives us and I hope we can all remember through the hard times. 

God will not give up on you or your neighbor

In church today I heard a message from the special music as well as the sermon. I'm not sure the exact name of the song but the main line went like this, "dont' give up on God, He won't give up on  you." After the song was over the man singing it just kept repeating that same line over and over again. And as I was closing my eyes and singing it, I thought of the meaning to those words in my life. Personally I've never struggled with accepting the whole story of sin and redemption. It was good news to me. "You mean all I have to do is repent and then I can live for all eternity in Heaven? Sign me up!" What I've struggled with is the whole part after that. Following Jesus's purpose in my life. Lately this has been falling into place as well.
So when I was singing this line I wasn't thinking so much about me but those close to me that struggle with accepting Jesus Christ as their personal savior. In my mind I was thinking of it more like, "Don't give up on so and so, cause God won't give up on them." It's hard for me sometimes when I get questioned about things I personally have questions about as well. For example, when people ask me, "If God knew that Lucifer was going to sin, why did He create him in the first place?" Or, "Why would God let so many people die to sin if He was so loving and merciful?" I really don't like those two questions. Personally, I have my own answer but they may not be what the person is looking to hear. And I understand it's hard to understand God, that's why I don't try. In my life I've personally known what it's like to walk with God and walk without God and I know which one I prefer. There is no peace like the peace you find when you walk in the Spirit. To me, that is all the answer I need.
I understand that everyone has different personalities. I understand that it is not as easy for some to accept as others because of the way that their mind works. They want answers, they want facts. And when I'm talking to these kinds of people I can get easily frustrated. I can't understand why something so simple to me is so difficult for them. And in my heart sometimes I feel there's just no hope for them. But today when I was listening to that song I realized those are thoughts the devil is putting into my head. Because as aChristian I believe there is not one soul God cannot reach. I honestly believe that. So when I start to think these things that is not the Spirit talking, that's the devil. I smiled to myself when I realized this in church today and I thanked God for opening my heart to realize this. And although I'm going to get frustrated again and again in the future, I will not give up, because God hasn't and He has a plan for that person and that person's life.